Deborah writes:

In the midst of 2005, our daughter started first grade – "real” school as far as I’m concerned, representing mandatory change in our lives. It was a big turning point in my world as a mom. Reflecting on the year gone by, I’m reassured with countless fond memories. And . . .then . . .I sense my own agony over a bit of spilt milk. I’m not one to claim immunity to regrets and when I feel them I fess up – but then and only then. 

Several friends and relatives probably expected me to resume working outside the home once the pre-school years concluded, even though I never indicated a plan to do so. Yes, I could have made that choice. Instead, I held steadfast in my determination to remain a stay-at-home mom. No regrets. 

I’m presented with nearly seven hours each weekday to spread my working wings outside our home and I choose not to do so. I’m available to drive my first-grader both to and from school. By volunteering on the PTA, I take the opportunity to participate in her educational experience. I need to ask no one for time off in order to accompany the class on a field trip. Rather than looking back someday and saying, “I could have gone on that field trip but instead I answered to the work that was calling,” my name will likely be on the next chaperone list as well. 

Had I decided to trade in my chaperone status for an actual paying job outside the home, we would have afforded more (less the chunk of change for child-care) last year. Our photo album would include close-up pictures of popular characters from touring ice shows – not just freeze-frames of the three of us and our friends all bundled up on the rink at a nearby mall. We’d surely have replaced our backyard fence by now. The list goes on. As do my reasons for being a stay-at-home mom. No regrets. 

While I have chosen this lifestyle, my daughter and I by no means only stayed home day in, day out, during the pre-school years – nor last year after school. We actually spent more time away from home than I honestly would have preferred. In retrospect, I feel certain I should have said “no” more often. Regrets. 

Lacking the luxury of a substantial second income, we partake in a lot of family fun with little to no cost. Such inexpensive attractions – combined with the good friendships we’ve both developed – have brought out the “yes” in me perhaps more than they should have. Craft project books purchased with good intentions are left in perfect condition on a shelf. Unopened toys sit high in a closet. There are cookie-cutters yet untouched by dough. 

Unintentionally, I cut down possibilities for more one-on-one occasions together while we had the best chance. It doesn’t seem like we had enough of those times, but we surely did share many warm and wonderful, pre-school days. Maybe I should have planned less and turned more invitations down. Spilt milk. But I’m taking a cue now in how I schedule (or not) our precious afternoons and family weekends. 

In the future, my grown-up daughter will reflect upon what she recalls of these times – her youth. And, I hope that when she looks back she isn’t filled with too many thoughts of the two of us prefaced by could’ve, would’ve and should’ve. To prevent that is my New Year[ly] resolution. 

Marilyn Writes:  

As agonizing as it is to look back with a clear eye at the year behind us and pass judgment on my performance as a mom who goes to work at the office, I’ll just step up and give you as honest an appraisal as I can muster. Not easy for me because sometimes (most of the time) I just can’t face it. Okay, I’ll squint. That’s better. 

My regrets are few but they shine in that uncomfortably bright sort of way, like a sun spike off chrome at rush hour. 

I could have done a better job of regularly defending the boundary between me and my kids’ high-pitched revelry/demands/whining; that line being as thin as the newspaper I stared at for seven to ten minutes each morning which was literally and regularly perforated by a gleeful punch conveying “time’s up!” 

I would have placed them in time-out more if I hadn’t been so lazy. 

I should not have let them get out of taking naps. And, I shouldn’t have stopped taking naps. 

Squint or not, the working mother I look back on seemed fairly wrung out with self-deprecation, didn’t exercise, said “yes” too much, let disappointments obscure her view of everyday successes (small, but successes nonetheless), and wore bad bras and unflattering colors. 

Here is a woman whose experiences as a mother with a career support her vision of a whole person – nurturing, achieving, self-expressive, and with an expansive worldview. This, however, has not left her with a lot of time for exercise or naps. 

There are many times I wish mine had been the first face my 6-year-old saw when he came home from school. At the same time, I’m so pleased to bring news of the world home to my boys at the end of the day. 

So who’s going to have to be told “no”? The child holding up drawing after drawing for me to see, each with characters to be introduced, stories to be told? Or the child discovering the power of a headstand who’s exhorting, “Watch me, Mommy!”  

Doctor’s visits and trips to the dentist, sick-kid days and field-trip days off mean my boss gets pushed toward the bottom of the “no” list. We don’t want to start adding up all those late arrivals and early departures now, do we?  

I’ve already told my social conscience “no.” No time for volunteering and community activism. No e-mail to government representatives. 

Ironing is out. Thank you notes almost out. “No” to journaling, gardening or to even maintaining a small reserve of energy for dealing with the inevitable just-before-bedtime meltdown. Dinner out with friends? For the most part, “no.” 

I tried scheduling some time for exercise, which quelled the number of times per day that disapproving look crossed my face in the mirror and enabled me to pick up toys without tearing a hamstring, but it really cut into morning snuggle time with my kids. The day they re-prioritize snuggling is the day I’ll re-prioritize exercise. 

I recommend the following steps be taken during the next appraisal period: 

- Ask hubby for more help with the kids. 

- Take a day trip every quarter.  

- Call a friend. 

- Cry more often. 

- Pick a few more things to say “no” to.  

- Review successes every day – as a parent, partner, and person. 

Now that’s the way to building a better child – by building a better mom. I resolve to start (I’m squinting here) in the New Year.

Enjoy YOUR point of view!

Beth Aldrich

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