Barbara Govednik
is a Chicago-based writer, writing coach and communication strategist.
Her company
helps companies and individuals discover and tell their stories,
along with helping writers and those who wish to be writers
get the most out of their time at the keyboard.
 The
pull of community—that warm embrace of like-minded and
supportive people in comfortable and comforting surroundings—is
as intrinsic a need in us humans as the need to breathe. As
poet John Donne wrote, “No man is an island, entire of
itself.” Indeed, now more than ever, belonging to a values-based,
positive community is important for feeling grounded, happy
and successful.
But what Donne wasn’t facing during his lifetime in
the 1500s and 1600s was the bombardment of potential communities
that modern women are faced with—family, coworkers, friends,
neighbors, kids’ play date partners and school mates,
church members, fellow volunteers—and those are just
the physical communities. Add to that your LinkedIn groups,
Facebook friends, Twitter followers and it’s enough to
make anyone surrender and say “enough community already,
leave me alone!”
The trick is to intentionally create and sustain communities
that are good for you and minimize if not completely extricate
yourself from communities that deflate or defeat you.
True Community is Intentional and Authentic
According to Chicago psychologist Dr. Alison Miller, there
is a profound difference between intentionally creating community
and letting communities develop around you by default. “It’s
perfectly okay and more sustaining to be clear on why you
are part of a particular community, and know what you get
out of that community.”
That means showing up as you, not as the definition of the
group or as what you think the other members are expecting
of you. It’s the difference between being one of the
moms in a playgroup community that exists because your kids
all happen to play together and being your authentic self
engaged with other moms and sharing your child’s experience
in a playgroup community.
A true, nurturing community is one where you bring your
best self, live your values, are welcomed as that person and
allowed to be who you are. This belief is at the heart of
the community Miller and her partners in Tiara Coaching are
creating for women rediscovering themselves and their sense
of purpose. “People long for community,” says Tiara
Program Coach Betsy Sobiech, noting that belonging is more
fun, makes you more effective and can help you connect with
yourself in a positive, powerful way.
Signs that you are in a community that is truly nurturing
include:
- You look forward to time spent in that community
- You are motivated and engaged in the activities and conversations
of the community
- You are your best self in the presence of the community
- You feel rejuvenated and energized after spending time
with the community
Purposeful Shifts
Just as it’s crucial to be intentional about how you
create community, so is it important to be intentional about
how, or if, you sustain communities. Your life situation is
hardly static, so there is an ongoing need to reflect and
adjust to keep yourself engaged in an authentic way to your
communities.
That’s why it’s important to keep asking yourself
why you continue to be part of a particular community and
what you continue to get from it.
Communities can shift, adjust and embrace the changes its
members go through, whatever they may be.
Beth Ruske, another Tiara Program Coach, knows this first-hand
through her community of women she has known since they were
six years old. The thing that has bound them together through
decades of changes? “Acceptance,” says Ruske. “This
group has always been very ‘come as you are.’”
It’s also possible to make shifts in more structured
communities where we don’t feel completely in control
such as in our families or at work. Rather than focusing on
all the ways you can’t change the dynamic of the community,
take baby steps. Make one-degree shifts in how you approach
the community, moving, for instance, from dreading a meeting
with your boss to not looking forward to it. Over time, these
small, manageable shifts can make you feel less trapped and
powerless.
Graceful Exits
Sometimes, despite our best intentions and attempts to shift
communities, we find ourselves in places where communities
no longer serve us. "You’re fooling yourself if
you think you can stay engaged in a community that doesn’t
work for you,” says Sobiech. “You’re doing
a disservice to yourself, and you are doing a disservice to
the other members.”
Signs a community may not be serving you include:
- feeling drained and worn out by the community or its members
- being judgmental about the other people in the community
most of the time
- finding that the community tends to bring out qualities
you don’t like in yourself
In these situations, a proactive approach is the best—if
somewhat scary—way to go. Extricating yourself from a
community requires that you be clear about what works for
you, you communicate it clearly and you take responsibility
for what you want. It can be heart-wrenching, but it can also
be liberating when you take a stand for your own well-being.
And you might just find that you are voicing a concern that
others in the community have but didn’t have the courage
to address.
True Community Is Powerful
We are all social beings, to one degree or another. None of
us really are that island to ourselves, and when we withdraw
too much, because we don’t have a strong community or
we are connected to the wrong ones, it doesn’t feel healthy
or regenerating.
“Being in community is the essence of what it is to
be human,” concludes Miller. And being a true community
is the essence of being a powerful human being.
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