 If
you look at the average 20-year-old, the chances that they
have had any real education about relationships and love are
pretty slim. Growing up, they probably learned a little biology
about the body; possibly read some love poetry by Shakespeare
or some other great author; and usually watched their parents
relationship going through some significant ups and downs
with little explanation about what’s going on. But in
terms of understanding themselves and their needs and requirements
for love and relationship, the average 20-year-old is pretty
unprepared for the real world.
The main way parents can find the power to change things
is to become more honest with children about relationships
while they are still living at home. With marriage ending
in divorce at the rate of about 50 percent, it is unfair to
teach children that every relationship is supposed to last
forever. It is not true that when you fall in love with somebody—or
find the right person—you will live happily ever after.
Having babies is not the be-all and end-all of relationships
and cannot save an unhappy marriage. The form and function
of the modern family has changed and children are not responsible
for their parents getting divorced (many of them feel they
are).
Many parents want to hide what goes on in their relationship
from their children in the desperate hope that their children
will do better than they have done. But it doesn’t work like
that! It never has.
If you want to see your children have better relationships
than you it is necessary to start by helping them learn more
about the reality of love and relationship. You need to talk
with them about how and why relationships work (and don’t
work). Make a commitment to being more honest about your own
mistakes. You also need to realize that your children know
far more than you may sometimes think. When you try to hide
the truth it is only confusing to them-their senses tell them
one thing while your words say something quite different.
This doesn’t mean you need to spill all the blood and guts
to young children and disturb them. They don’t need to know
all the ups and downs in your relationship. But it does mean
that you need to start to help your children have realistic
expectations about relationships, and this includes the fact
that every family relationship has problems. Kids need and
want to learn how to face up to problems and solve them rather
than run away or hide from them.
If you feel afraid of being honest with your kids about relationships,
you are not alone. The majority of parents mistakenly feel
that kids need to be protected from the truth because it is
often painful or disappointing. But they may not be aware
that children see and feel what is going on despite all the
things that are covered up or lied about. And to a child,
that dishonesty is more painful than the truth. To top it
all off, that dishonesty becomes their pattern for their future
relationships.
On a more positive note, children can handle much more than
we realize if they are treated openly and with respect. Kids
who grow up with a more realistic picture of love, relationships
and family living are much better prepared for life than those
who are kept in ignorance and then are left to make the same
mistakes as their parents.
|
Sources:
Article
Base
Academy
of Potential Education*
* The Academy’s main focus is to "prepare
people for the future," using an approach that
assist students of the Academy’s programs to develop
the skills to overcome any problem and achieve any life
goal. Results for the programs have been very positive.
Results can be downloaded here.
For more info, email sarah@potentialeducation.org.
|
Sarah McCrum MA, PGCE, Dip LC, is Director for the Academy
of Potential Education located in New Zealand and London.
|
