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Boom! You are shaking. The divorce papers have been filed. You lose your partner, and with that, peace of mind and the security of another paycheck. If you have children, their world has been turned upside-down. The wrecking ball of divorce final tally: Loss: Life as you knew it.

In the wake of a divorce, amidst feelings of loss and devastation, women also have to consider the question “What now?” While all the king’s horses and all the king’s men know you can’t fix a broken egg, anyone who has made it to the other side of divorce knows something else. You wouldn’t want to fix it anyway—It’s best to create an entirely new egg, an entirely new life. But this time when you build it, make certain you are at the center.

Find a Starting Point

In order to build a life of your own you need to know yourself. Unfortunately, many women who find themselves in unhappy marriages also find that they’ve lost distinct portions of themselves somewhere along the way. As they try harder to believe that things are alright, they begin to act less like themselves in order to fulfill their partner’s vision of who they are. Ask most women, “Who are you?” and the answer is scripted according to relationships, “I am a wife, a mother, a boss or an employee.” But these are merely roles. When any of these defining relationships crumble, it’s time to take a closer look at the person behind the roles. Close your eyes and ask: “Who exactly am I, in the moments in between, when the editing is over and my masks are no longer seen?”

Letting go of old visions of yourself isn’t easy. Some will feel a palpable emptiness. This is the space where you used to be. You may wish that some other force was responsible for this loss, this vacuum, but the reality is no one is taking it from you; you gave it away. And since you were the one giving it away, it is very much in your power to take it back.

Despite all the sadness inherent in divorce, there’s also an inevitable upside: the opportunity to start fresh. Dropping the role of wife temporarily from your to-do list may leave you just enough time and energy to find yourself-and that’s exactly who you’re looking for!

Get Some Space

It’s natural to want to stay in the family home—after all, it seems like one thing that can stay the same in the midst of all the chaos of divorce. But there are some big reasons to go.

Financially, staying may be a risk. Before the ink on the divorce agreement is dry, ask, “Will the child/and or spousal support plus my income be enough to support the mortgage, bills and other living expenses?” Be certain to sit down with a financial advisor and crunch the new numbers. You’ll likely save money by moving to a smaller home, and that will save you the added stress and time of working overtime to pay the larger-home’s bills.

Beyond the financial duress is a further source for emotional stress. Perhaps your ex will feel too comfortable in what is now your home, and place obstacles between you and your new life. Perhaps the pull of the home’s past will keep you and your children rooted in old memories. Odds are, even if you stay, you’ll be wanting out of there at least within a few years. Since your family is already in a state of extreme flux, why not institute all of the changes now rather than adding another major change in a year’s time? Charting a new concept of home will allow you to return to life on your own terms instead of someone else’s.

Embrace Your Singledom

Right after a divorce the last thing on most women’s minds is getting involved in another relationship, but loneliness and fear can rear their ugly heads. In times like these, remind yourself of Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you go into your next relationship with the same ways of thinking, chances are you’ll fall back into old habits that definitely didn’t serve you well the last time around.

Bringing in a new relationship too soon can also play havoc with your children’s feelings. At first, they’ll likely see any suitor as a stranger or a threat. However, if you give yourself time to build a new life for you and your children, then in due course, they’ll have the support and confidence in your relationship to become more open to sharing you with someone new.

Shift Your Thinking

You look in the mirror and physically the reflection resembles your pre-divorce figure, but your post-divorce mind has been catapulted into another stratosphere; a dark and dreary place where the negatives outweigh your self-esteem on a daily basis. However, if you become more keenly aware and open to the power of your own thoughts, a motion will call you forward. And as you grow stronger, you will be surprised and rather pleased to recognize the light at the end of the tunnel is you, and has been all the time.

According to Ralph Waldo Emerson “a man becomes what he thinks about all day long.” Realize the six-inch universe—the ever-powerful space between your ears—is where you do all of your living. If your thoughts are stalled in anger, blame and frequent “poor me” parties, your life will mimic your mind and remain stuck. Unfortunately, the only way to the other side of the pain is through it. Find your own way or ask your best friend or compassionate counselor to help you work through these emotions. You will know your thinking is headed in the right direction when you are able to forgive yourself, are on the verge of considering forgiving your ex-husband and have become more inclined to view your divorce as a necessary life chapter, an ending, inevitably leading to new beginnings.

Moving on after divorce involves just that, moving on, but first your thinking must come to terms with the past, so you are free to trigger new life trajectories. Rebound and rebuild a new life with you at the centre. Grow to understand the satisfaction coming from fulfilling your own expectations, instead of always having to live up to those placed upon you. Realize the strength, happiness and momentum garnered from a life lived on your own terms.

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